Captain Awesome and the Missing Elephants

  Table of Contents

  1. Tomorrow Is the Day!

  2. Tricky Little Miss Stinky Pinky

  3. Superheroes Get Their Powers from Cookies

  4. The Bus Ride of Doom!

  5. Elephant Time . . . or Not

  6. Beware the Brussels Sprouter

  7. Why DO Giraffes Have Spots?

  8. Elephant Hide-and-Seek

  9. The Total Best Gift of Awesomeness!

  'Captain Awesome and the Evil Babysitter' Excerpt

  About Stan Kirby and George O’Connor’s

  Two words:

  FIELD!

  TRIP!

  What? Oh! FIELD TRIP!

  Aside from “no homework,” are there two greater words in the history of school? The words “field” and “trip” together promise a day of fun, a day away from school, and a day where anything can happen.

  Those words are the chocolate and peanut butter of education.

  And for Eugene, this chocolate-y, peanut-butter-y, field-trippy goodness was all going to happen tomorrow.

  “Don’t forget to bring your permission slips, class,” said Ms. Beasley, “or you won’t be going to the zoo.”

  Eugene McGillicudy wouldn’t miss a field trip any more than he’d miss New Comic Book Day at the comic book store. That’s because the Sunnyview Memorial Zoo had the greatest animals in the world.

  “Just think of it, Charlie,” Eugene said to his best friend, Charlie Thomas Jones. “Lions with razor-sharp laser claws!”

  “And tigers with stripes of invisibility!” Charlie added.

  “And hippopom . . . hippotap . . . um . . . hippos, with their giant mud-covered butts of stinky stink,” Eugene said.

  “And don’t forget the elephants!” Charlie said. “With their supertrunk powers and huge, flappy ears that can whip up the Whistling Wind of Seven Cyclones!”

  “That’s right!” Eugene agreed. “Especially elephants.”

  AWESOME!

  Eugene thought of that time in Super Dude No. 18, the story The Power Trunk Powers of Elephantom, when Super Dude teamed up with Super Duper Elephantom to stomp Peanut Parker into crunchy peanut butter and spread him on giant pumpernickel toast.

  What’s that you say? Super Dude? You’ve heard of him, right?

  WHAT?

  You mean you don’t know the answer to the easiest question in the Easy Question Book of Easy Questions?

  Question one: WHO IS SUPER DUDE?

  Answer: Super Dude is the world’s greatest superhero—he’s greater than Mr. Greatman and more rad than King Power Rad, the really powerful leader of Radsylvania. Super Dude is the superhero who once knocked the stuffing out of the evil Teddy Bearenstein and dried up the deadly Spitballer before he could fire his lava spit from his Ultra Plastic Straw of Evil.

  But Super Dude was more than a true hero and Eugene’s favorite of all time. He was the reason Eugene became Sunnyview’s first and most awesome superhero. That’s right. Eugene had a secret identity: He was: CAPTAIN AWESOME!

  MI-TEE!

  It’s true. Sunnyview had its very own superhero! And not just one, either.

  There was . . . ANOTHER!

  Charlie was the superhero Nacho Cheese Man—the only hero with the power of canned cheese!

  CHEESY YO!

  Along with their class’s superpet hamster, Turbo, Eugene and Charlie formed the Sunnyview Superhero Squad to stop the eviling of bad guys and to keep Sunnyview safe.

  But what happened when they discovered that their neighbor Sally Williams was also a “Keep Sunnyview Safe” superhero called Supersonic Sal? Well, she was asked to join the group too!

  Together these four heroes would put badness in its place! And that place would be . . . far away from all goodness.

  RING!

  The school bell was the greatest sound in the world that wasn’t the sound of Super Dude smacking evil or the opening of a new bag of potato chips. Eugene shot out of his desk, ran to his cubby, slipped and fell into his cubby, grabbed his backpack, and headed for the door.

  “Forget anything, puke-Gene?”

  Eugene froze. He knew that high-pitched screech. It could only be one of three things:

  1) Angry Monkey Man trying to steal his lunch!

  2) The Dreaded Opera Boy and his solo of doom!

  3) Meredith Mooney, the pinkest girl in class!

  “My! Me! Mine! Meredith!” Eugene said. “What do you want?”

  Meredith stood in the doorway, the pink sleeves on her arms folded across her pink shirt. The pink ribbons in her hair were as big as helicopter blades. Eugene hoped they’d start spinning and carry her away.

  “Aren’t you forgetting your permission slip?” she asked.

  Eugene reached into his pocket and pulled out . . . nothing.

  NO!

  He reached into all his pockets and pulled out more nothing.

  Oh no! Eugene thought. It’s gone!

  Eugene turned back to his desk. Empty! He turned back around to Meredith, but she was no longer the pink classmate he saw: She was Little Miss Stinky Pinky, Captain Awesome’s most awful enemy. His permission slip dangled from her evil fingers.

  She was determined to keep the mighty Captain Awesome from the zoo so that she could paint all the animals pink with her evil Hot Pink Spray Paint!

  “Come on, Nacho Cheese Man!” Captain Awesome yelled out in his most heroic voice. “Let’s get my permission slip back! MI-TEE!”

  “Cheesy yo!” cried Nacho Cheese Man. He pulled a spray can of spicy nacho cheese from his cheese bag.

  The danger-stopping dynamos raced through the doorway and into the evil pink lair of Little Miss Stinky Pinky!

  She screamed and ran away. Nacho Cheese Man blasted a spray of cheese at her feet, but his aim was off and he painted a cheese smile on a nearby locker.

  ZOOM!

  A blur whooshed past Captain Awesome and Nacho Cheese Man. It was Supersonic Sal!

  She ran fast circles around Little Miss Stinky Pinky, who grew dizzier and dizzier trying to watch Sunnyview’s fastest hero.

  “What are you doing? Stop! I’m . . .” Little Miss Stinky Pinky spun around and around.

  Captain Awesome reached over and grabbed the permission slip from Little Miss Stinky Pinky’s fingers.

  “Mission accomplished!” he yelled heroically.

  Then the three heroes walked triumphantly out of Little Miss Stinky Pinky’s lair of evil. The field trip was saved!

  “Mmph.” Eugene’s mouth was stuffed with chocolate-chip cookies.

  “Mmph.” Charlie tried to answer, but his mouth was also stuffed with chocolate-chip cookies.

  Sally heroically held her cookie in the air. “By the authority and power of these chocolate-chip cookies, I call this meeting of the Sunnyview Superhero Squad to order.” Then she took a bite.

  Eugene, Charlie, and Sally had assembled after school in the Sunnyview Superhero Squad’s secret headquarters: the tree house in Eugene’s backyard.

  Eugene gulped down the last of his cookie. “The first item on our list of items is item number one.”

  “I know that one: Eat another one of your mom’s homemade cookies!” Charlie popped another cookie into his mouth. He handed one to Sally.

  Who am I to argue with fresh-baked genius? Eugene thought.

  Eugene helped himself to two more. He chewed them with a big smile and unrolled a giant sheet of paper across the Official Floor of the Sunnyview Superhero Squad Clubhouse. “Item number two: this map of the zoo.”

  “Hmm, where is the Elephant Habitat?” Sally asked.

  “Right here, past the rhinos, giraffes, and . . . pink flamingos,” Eugene p
ointed out, almost gagging when he said the word “pink.”

  He marked the Elephant Habitat with a big red X.

  There was one last item on the checklist: evil.

  “What about evil?” Charlie asked.

  “There is always evil!” Eugene announced. “And there could even be evil at a place as wonderful and awesome as the Sunnyview Memorial Zoo.”

  “We will have to take our uniforms,” Sally suggested.

  “Absolutely,” Eugene agreed in his most heroic voice. “If our old enemies hatch a plot of evil, we can’t wait for the bus to take us back to school so that we can walk home, get our uniforms, and have my mom drive us back to the zoo.”

  That’s when the heroes heard the growl.

  “Grrrrrrrrrrrrr . . .”

  That growl meant trouble.

  “Grrrrrrrrrrrrr . . .”

  It was the sound of their four-legged enemy.

  “Mr. Drools!” Eugene cried. “He’s been listening to every word!”

  “He knows our plans!” Charlie exclaimed.

  “He’ll try to stop us from getting to the zoo!” Sally yelled.

  And Mr. Drools would try to do just that. He was the most slobberingest monster ever to be unleashed from the Howling Paw Nebula. He could wake up sleepy people around the galaxy with his Noisy Bark of Loudness, and then destroy them with his Drool of Destruction and his Double-Dog Breath of Yucky-Yuck.

  He would have to be stopped.

  “Guys, this is a job for Captain Awesome!”

  “And Nacho Cheese Man!”

  “And Supersonic Sal!”

  The squad knew what they had to do. Nacho Cheese Man reached into his Cheese Bag for the Squeaky Squeezo toy that no dog could resist.

  “Cheesy-NO!” Nacho Cheese Man said with a gasp.

  It was gone. They’d forgotten to refill the bag with a new Squeezo toy after their last battle with Mr. Drools.

  “We are totally doomed,” Nacho Cheese Man said doomfully.

  “No worries,” Supersonic Sal replied. “We have: Plan B!”

  Captain Awesome opened up the Storage Box of Awesomeness and picked up the Throwing Stick of Tossing. It was crafted from a branch of the finest oak tree that had been struck by a lightning blast from Lightning Lady.

  “This is sure to stop him,” Supersonic Sal said without any doom in her voice.

  Captain Awesome pulled back his arm and swung the Throwing Stick through the air.

  The stick landed on the surface of the moon and bounced over Mr. Drools’s head. It then disappeared into a large cloud of Moon Fog.

  “Fetch!” Captain Awesome yelled to Mr. Drools. The mighty beast of evil looked at Captain Awesome, Nacho Cheese Man, and Supersonic Sal, but he could not ignore the Throwing Stick.

  His drooly tongue flopped out of his mouth. He turned and ran after the stick, disappearing into fog. He would not be seen again for several days.

  RUN!

  Eager to get good seats on the bus, Eugene, Charlie, and Sally raced to school the next morning.

  “Okay, class!” Ms. Beasley announced, tapping her clipboard. “I’ve got your seat assignments right here.”

  Seat assignments? Assigned seats? Eugene thought it sounded like the worst idea since fried okra.

  “Starting at the front of the bus, every one of you will be sitting in alphabetical order.”

  PUKE!

  Alphabetical order was even worse! That was the worst idea since boy-girl-boy-girl!

  I don’t even keep my Super Dude Power Cards in alphabetical order, Eugene thought.

  “Howard Adams and Neal Chaykin, you’re first.” Ms. Beasley pointed to the bus.

  Howard and Neal climbed up the bus steps. Eugene’s mind raced through the last names of his classmates: Gil Ditko, Wilma Eisner, Mike Flinch, Charlie Thomas Jones, Stan Kirby Jr., Eugene McGillicudy, Meredith Mooney . . .

  McGillicudy . . . Mooney. Mooney? MEREDITH Mooney?

  NOOOOO!

  “But Ms. Beasley! This can’t be!” Eugene cried. “There isn’t anyone between Meredith and me!”

  “That’s right, Eugene. That’s what alphabetical order means.” She read the names, and the students climbed onto the bus to take their seats. Eugene headed toward his seat like it was full of electric eels.

  “Why, look who’s here. It’s Don’t-gene,” the pink princess said as Eugene slumped into his seat and buckled up.

  “Good-bye, Charlie. Good-bye, Sally,” he said sadly. He felt like Super Dude in Super Dude No. 7, when Super Dude was forced to eat Radioactive Spam by Lord Shallot, the Evil Onion King.

  “Good luck, Eugene,” Charlie called.

  “See you at the zoo!” Sally said as she walked by.

  Eugene slouched. He tried to stare out the window, but it was blocked by Meredith’s big pink bows.

  She pulled out her music player and turned it up to level nine. Horrible music screeched out from her earphones. It sounded like the kind of music that unicorns would play at a fairy-tale dance party.

  “Isn’t this a great song?” Meredith asked, yelling over the sound of the music in her ears. “It’s Girly Girl and the Girly Girls. I could listen to them all day long.”

  I couldn’t, thought Eugene. It’s going to turn my brain into brain jelly that’s going to ooze out of my ears!

  Suddenly Eugene realized the horrible truth. . . .

  Little Miss Stinky Pinky had already tried to steal his permission slip. And now she was trying to melt his brain! She’d do anything to keep him from going to the zoo!

  Eugene gave the secret sign to Charlie—two claps, a double finger snap, and a high-pitched whistle.

  But Charlie was too busy squirting jalapeño cheese into his mouth. And Sally was taking pictures through the window.

  Eugene was alone. He’d have to face Little Miss Stinky Pinky all on his own!

  “Your Stinky Pinky Ear Blaster shall blast no more ears, Little Miss Stinky Pinky!” Captain Awesome cried.

  Captain Awesome leaped from his seat and grabbed Little Miss Stinky Pinky’s music player. The volume button would soon be under the control of his MI-TEE thumb!

  “Evil electrical devices shall be turned off!” he yelled.

  “Ms. Beasley!” Miss Stinky Pinky cried out. “He’s doing it again!”

  Before Ms. Beasley had time to ask the questions “Who?” and “What?” Captain Awesome presented her with the music player.

  “The rules have always said ‘No music on the bus,’ ma’am,” Captain Awesome told the teacher.

  “That’s right, er . . . Captain Awesome,” Ms. Beasley said.

  Captain Awesome walked back to his seat and smiled at the pouty Little Miss Stinky Pinky. Another dose of bus justice had been served.

  “Hi, everybody! I’m Randy. And welcome to the Sunnyview Memorial Zoo!”

  As the class unloaded from the bus, they were greeted by Randy, the Junior Assistant Zookeeper.

  “Hi, Randy!” everyone said.

  “I’ll be your tour guide here today,” Randy told them. “We have lots of exciting things to show you—including new baby penguins!”

  “What about the elephants? When can we see Earth’s coolest, awesomest creatures?” Eugene asked.

  Randy turned and led the group past the sign that pointed to the rhinoceroses. “Our elephants have been a little shy lately,” he said. “We might not have enough time to see any.”

  NO ELEPHANTS?

  Eugene was shocked. Going to the zoo and not seeing any elephants is like going to the movies and not getting any popcorn! he thought.

  “Did you guys hear what he said?” Sally stepped between Eugene and Charlie. “Randy’s up to no good.”

  Eugene nodded. “Randy, if that’s his real name, is taking us away from the Elephant Habitat!” he proclaimed. “He doesn’t want us to see them . . . but why?”

  But that question would have to wait. Randy had brought them to the Rhino Roundabout. Despite their horn of terror, the big gray b
easts were plant-eaters and they wandered around the roundabout nibbling anything green.

  “These are our rhinoceroses, Rupert and Rhonda,” Randy said. “Aren’t they magnificent?”

  If only you rhinos could talk, Eugene thought. I bet you know why Randy is trying to keep us from seeing the elephants.

  “Next stop: Lion Lounge, where you’ll see the first lion born in our zoo! After that, it’s Grizzly Bear Jamboree, the Monkey Mansion, and then the animals I know someone can’t wait to see . . .”

  Eugene held his breath. Could it be . . . ?

  “Pink Flamingo Pond!” Randy announced.

  “Oh yeah!” Meredith cheered and jumped up and down like a big pink jelly bean.

  “I think I’m gonna barf.” Eugene held his stomach.

  Even though they had to watch dorky pink birds standing in water for what seemed like a billion years while Meredith giggled happily, somehow Eugene did not barf all over himself. Or anyone else. And that was a very good thing because it was time for lunch, and eating at the zoo cafeteria was even better than eating a corn dog on a stick!

  “No school cafeteria food for us on this day!” Eugene said.

  “We get animal-shaped chicken nuggets! And animal-shaped tater tots!” Charlie eagerly listed. “And best of all . . .”

  “Chocolate milk with a straw shaped like an elephant’s trunk!” both boys cheered together.

  “This is going to be the best lunch EVER!” Eugene added as they marched behind Randy toward the zoo cafeteria . . . and then past the zoo cafeteria? Eugene’s jaw dropped as Randy walked past the animal-shaped chicken nuggets, the taters, and even the chocolate milk with elephant-trunk straws. Randy walked past everything and led the entire class to . . .