Captain Awesome Gets Crushed Read online

  Table of Contents

  1. Comic Book Day of Destiny!

  2. An Evil Surprise

  3. Don’t Stare at the Pink!

  4. Valentines of Icy Doom

  5. The Secret of the Secret Admirer’s Secrets

  6. Beware His Stinky Seaweeder!

  7. Double Secret Coolness!

  8. The Mystery of the Missing Cupcake of Yumminess

  9. The Great Anonymous Super Dude Fan

  ‘Captain Awesome Gets Crushed’ Excerpt

  About Stan Kirby and George O’Connor

  RUN!

  “Hurry up, Charlie!” Eugene McGillicudy urged his best friend. Charlie Thomas Jones rushed to keep up, but Eugene was moving superfast.

  It was a big day! Eugene ran through the Sunnyview Mall. His feet thudded against the marble floor. His heart raced. He could smell the new comic books like a hungry dog smells bacon.

  YUM!

  This was all because today was New Comic Book Day!

  I love the sound of that, Eugene thought. Then he thought it again.

  New Comic Book Day!

  It was the greatest day ever for Eugene, Charlie, and all comic book fans—the day when all the new comic books for the week came out. It was like Christmas, wrapped up in a birthday, sitting in a bucket of Halloween candy.

  “Come on, Charlie!” Eugene called. “We don’t want to miss the new comics!”

  Charlie’s backpack bounced against his back.

  BOING! BOING! BOING!

  Eugene saw Super Superhero Superstore just ahead and ran even faster. With each step, Eugene thought of the treasures that waited for him on the shelves. What would the new issue of Super Dude contain? Would there be a Super Dude Winter Annual of Goodness vs. Evil? Or maybe a Super Dude February Spectacular?

  What’s that you say?

  WHO IS SUPER DUDE?

  Can it be that you’ve never heard of him? Is such a thing even possible?! Do you live in a world without comic books and TV shows and movies and all the awesome stuff that makes life awesome?

  Super Dude is the world’s greatest superhero—even gooder than the Incredible Good Guy and even smackier than Captain Smackdown. Super Dude is the superhero who once punched out the power-draining lights of the Fluorescent Freaky Freak and tackled the Soccerbull before he scored his evil goal of destruction.

  But Super Dude was more to Eugene than just the greatest hero of all time. He was the reason Eugene became Sunnyview’s first and most awesome superhero. Secretly, you see, Eugene was the one, the only . . . CAPTAIN AWESOME!

  MI-TEE!

  That’s right. Sunnyview had its very own superhero! And not just one, either.

  With his best friend, Charlie (also known as Nacho Cheese Man), and their class’s pet hamster, Turbo, Eugene formed the Sunnyview Superhero Squad to stop the eviling of bad guys and to keep Sunnyview safe.

  “Safety first!” That was the first rule of the Sunnyview Superhero Squad. And the second rule was “Buy new comic books every New Comic Book Day”—but only if they starred Super Dude or any of the Legion of Super Duders or the Super Dude Family.

  “Good morning, Eugene!” said Biggie Ulm, the big guy behind the counter. “How’s my favorite superhero?”

  “Morning, Biggie! How’s my favorite comic book store?”

  Eugene didn’t wait for an answer. He knew exactly where to go. He raced past the counter to the comic book rack. He passed copies of Beach Bummer: The Caped Clam Fighter No. 23, Clown Smasher No. 9, and Space Shuttle Romance No. 15. And then he saw it: the new issue of Super Dude. It was No. 384, with Super Dude delivering his one-two superslap in a story called The Pulse-Pounding Punch Out of Pecos Pepper.

  Eugene grabbed the last two copies and handed one to Charlie.

  Charlie held his copy to his nose and sniffed. “Ahhhhhh. Still has that new comic smell!”

  WHEW!

  Mission accomplished!

  “Too bad you didn’t get here sooner,” Biggie said. “You could have had the last copy of Super Dude Super Duper Spectacular Winter Extra Special No. 1.”

  Eugene’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped. “It—it’s gone?”

  “I sold my last copy to a girl who was in here just five minutes ago,” Biggie told the boys.

  A GIRL? Reading an issue of Super Dude?

  Only two words described what Eugene was thinking: NON and SENSE. Someone wanted to keep him from having that comic book.

  This could only be the work of the evil Collector Queen! Her job was to take comic books from the hands of young boys and shred them in her evil Shredding Palace of Paper Strips so no one could ever, ever, EVER read the adventures of Super Dude!

  EVER!

  “Come on, Charlie!” Captain Awesome said in his most heroic voice. “We’ve got a comic book thief to take care of! MI-TEE!”

  “Right behind you, Captain!” Then Charlie opened his backpack and took out a spray can of taco-flavored nacho cheese. “I’m ready for action!”

  Now Eugene knew how Super Dude felt in Super Dude No. 91, the issue where Super Dude lost his powers and was just called Mister Dude.

  TERRIBLE!

  Until today, Eugene had never missed an issue of Super Dude or any of the Specials, Annuals, or Spectaculars.

  “Oh, cheer up, Eugene,” Charlie said. “Maybe we can order a copy online.”

  “That will take for-EVER!” Eugene said. “At least a couple of days!” Eugene’s head slumped, his shoulders sagged with sadness, and even his shoes sounded unhappy as they flopped on the mall floor.

  GASP!

  Charlie stopped and stared. Eugene crashed into him.

  “What is it, Charlie?”

  “Red alert, Eugene!” he cried. “I mean Pink! Pink alert!” Charlie’s eyes practically bugged out of his head.

  Eugene looked around the mall. That’s when he saw it. He’d been too distracted racing to the comic book store to notice it sooner.

  NO! His brain nearly exploded!

  The color pink was everywhere. Ribbons, hearts, sparkly paper snowflakes, stars, and flowers were on every door and window and bench. And they were all pink.

  Eugene was surrounded by it.

  PINK!

  GAK!

  It was like someone ate too much cotton candy and barfed it all over the mall.

  Jumbled Juice sold pink slushies in pink cups. Trendy Treads had a display of pink sneakers and pink boots. Even Dr. Pugh Pilz, Sunnyview’s one-eyed eye doctor, had a pair of giant pink sunglasses hanging in his window.

  Pink was one of Captain Awesome’s weaknesses. Not as powerful as fried okra or an asparagus spear, but it could still weaken him and drain his powers.

  “I’ve got pink madness!” Eugene cried. His arms felt heavy at his side. His knees wobbled like wet noodles. He lost his balance and tripped over the plastic tree at the bottom of the escalator.

  TRIP!

  PLOP!

  Eugene was weak as he tried to stand. It was as if some pink villain was taking all the powers from his body.

  Who did this to me? he thought. Who?

  Suddenly someone helped him to his feet. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Eugene!” It was Eugene’s neighbor and classmate Sally Williams.

  Valentine’s Day! Of course! Eugene thought. “Hi, Sally. Thanks,” he said.

  “Hi, Sally,” Charlie repeated.

  “I just finished my Valentine’s Day shopping.” She held up a big shopping bag. “I think I’ve got everything I need. Did you guys pick out your valentines yet? Only a couple of days before the big day! See ya!”

  Then she breezed down the mall and disappeared into Stuffy’s Toy-O-Rama, which was filled with fuzzy pink stuffed rabbits and even pinker
teddy bears.

  Eugene and Charlie walked to school together every day, unless it was one of three days.

  1. Sick Day

  2. Holiday

  3. Saving the World from Evil Day

  Today was not any of those days, so Eugene and Charlie headed to school. They were just a few feet from the front door when Eugene’s arm started shaking.

  Eugene knew what was going on. His Cootie Sense was tingling.

  COOTIES WERE IN THE AIR!

  That’s when Eugene heard the voice that turned his feet to stone. He and Charlie froze on the sidewalk.

  “Oh, look! It’s Barf-gene and his best friend. Hi, Charlie.”

  Eugene always knew that horrible screech of a voice. It was worse than his mom telling him to turn off the TV and get ready for bed.

  It was Meredith Mooney, the pinkest girl in the whole school.

  She was dressed head to toe and back to head again in pink—pink ribbons in her hair, pink polish on her fingernails, and pink shoes with matching pink socks.

  This wasn’t for Valentine’s Day, though. Meredith dressed like this every day.

  “Aren’t you going to wish me a happy Valentine’s Day, Dumb-gene?”

  “Ugh! ME! MY! MERE-DITH!” Eugene said. “Happy day before Valentine’s Day.”

  “I like to celebrate the day before, the day of, and the day after,” Meredith said. “It’s all so pink and wonderful!”

  She said the last part like it was a song. A sick, awful song that made Eugene’s stomach hurt as if he’d drunk an okra-and-beet milk shake.

  Valentine’s Day was like that. Every year on February 14, boys and girls passed around little paper cards filled with hearts and swirly pictures of the second most evil baby in the world, Cupid (after Queen Stinkypants, Eugene’s little sister from Planet Baby).

  But what good was it? Did you get presents like at Christmas or your birthday? Did you get to dress up like at Halloween? Or eat tons of food like at Thanksgiving? No, no, and no again.

  Valentine’s Day was a day of gross girly colors like lavender and red . . . and pink!

  “Good-bye, Dull-gene! See you, Charlie!” Meredith hurried into school. “Don’t be late for class.”

  Class! But of course! Eugene thought.

  The Sunnyview Mall may have been taken over by the pink craziness of Valentine’s Day, but they’d be safe from it once they got into the school building.

  “We’ll be okay inside, Charlie,” Eugene said.

  “I hope you’re right,” Charlie replied.

  But he wasn’t.

  Inside the school, Eugene felt as if he’d been blasted by an icy blast of the Icy Blaster’s Ice Blaster. His eyes were as wide as plates and his mouth fell open like the drawbridge of a castle.

  “Haaaaappy Valentine’s Day, Eugene!”

  “Haaaaappy Valentine’s Day, Charlie!”

  “Haaaaappy Valentine’s Day, Eugene and Charlie!”

  Everybody was saying it. The pink madness of Valentine’s Day had infected the school.

  Classroom doors had little pink heart stickers stuck to them. Bathrooms had red construction paper hearts taped up. Swirls of pink and red streamers twisted from the ceiling.

  “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

  Can’t anybody say “Hi” or “Good morning” anymore? Eugene thought.

  And that’s when it struck Eugene like a bolt of lightning. Not the kind of lightning that started fires or split trees, but the kind that gave someone super lightning powers.

  This was her fault. This was her evil pink and gross brainwashing plan.

  My! Me! Mine! Meredith’s!

  Meredith Mooney was way more than the girl in Eugene’s class who bothered him and wore too much pink. She was really Captain Awesome’s evil enemy, Little Miss Stinky Pinky!

  “This is the work of her,” said Captain Awesome.

  “You mean Little Miss Stinky Pinky?” Charlie wondered aloud.

  “Exactly,” Eugene said. His eyes narrowed.

  “Cheesy-yoooo.” Nacho Cheese Man let out a low whistle.

  “And she’s covered our world with her pink evil, turning it into a Pink Palace of Doom!” Captain Awesome said in his loudest and most awesome hero voice. “This is a job for Captain Awesome!”

  “And Nacho Cheese Man!” cried his best friend in his cheesiest hero voice.

  Eugene and Charlie made it to their classroom in plenty of time. And there was a surprise waiting for them in their cubbies.

  “DON’T TOUCH IT!”

  Charlie was reaching for the envelope when Eugene screamed out his warning.

  “Freeze, Charlie! And whatever you do, don’t open that envelope.”

  Charlie held the envelope away from his body like it was his mother’s purse.

  “Why? What’s wrong, Eugene?” Charlie said. “Is it evil paper with deadly ink?”

  “Worse. Charlie, do you remember Mr. Freezer?”

  Charlie unfroze and dropped the envelope on the floor.

  “That’s right!” Charlie said. “He used to send us notes too. Evil notes of evil.”

  What is it about cold weather that makes bad guys want to write notes? They should be busy making hot chocolate, but they always find time to write down some evil.

  RIIIIP!

  Eugene carefully opened his envelope. He shook it. Nothing fell out. No bomb, no booby trap, no rattlesnake. Not even a paper cut.

  WHEW!

  Eugene stuck his fingers inside and pulled out a slip of paper. It was not a frozen message of icy doom from Mr. Freezer.

  It was a drawing of Captain Awesome.

  “Wow, that looks just like you!” Charlie exclaimed. “Let’s see what I got!”

  Charlie opened his envelope and slid out a piece of paper. “It’s blank! I got nothing!”

  “Try turning it over,” Eugene suggested.

  Charlie flipped the paper, revealing a drawing of Nacho Cheese Man. “Looks just like me, too! Just like me!”

  Eugene shook his head. This didn’t make sense. “Someone is sending us a message, Charlie. But I don’t know what it is.”

  “I do!” Charlie shouted. “Someone really likes to draw!”

  “And someone also knows that we’re secretly Captain Awesome and Nacho Cheese Man, Charlie,” Eugene said. “But who?”

  “Someone who really likes to draw!” Charlie repeated, holding his drawing. “Look at how they captured the wonder of my cheese powers with just a pencil. It’s cheese-tastic!”

  Eugene looked at the drawing carefully. There was no signature and nothing on the envelope but their names. Who could have done this?

  The only ones who know our secret identities are Turbo and Sally, Eugene thought.

  Eugene shot a glance at Turbo. The class hamster squeaked happily on his exercise wheel. He didn’t do it. He couldn’t even hold a pencil.

  Eugene looked at Sally. She was busy at her desk, getting ready for class to start.

  Sally would never leave me a special note. Would she?

  Eugene’s mind raced faster than Super Dude’s friend, Speedy Speedman. Who was leaving them secret messages? Who else knew their secret identities? What was going on?

  BLECH!

  Eugene looked down at his lunch tray. Something that looked like meat was next to something that looked like tree bark that was next to something wiggly that looked like it was going to jump out of the tray, chase him around the cafeteria, and try to bite him on the ear.

  But before its hungry tentacles could whip around his neck, Eugene grabbed it and tossed it into the trash.

  Eugene sped away from the trash can and sat down next to Charlie in their special Sunnyview Superhero Squad seats. The seats were special because of one thing:

  1. From them, you could see all the doors and windows in the cafeteria, so if any supervillain tried anything villainous, the superheroes would be ready.

  But Charlie wasn’t even looking for villains at doors and windows. Because he had a cho
colate heart in each hand.

  “Hmm. I can’t decide,” he said. “Should I eat the one in blue foil or the one in orange foil?”

  The table was piled high with tiny chocolates wrapped in foil, multicolored candy hearts, and gummy worms in disgustingly awesome gummy colors.

  “Where did all this stuff come from?” Eugene asked.

  “They’re gifts from my Valentine,” Charlie said happily.

  Gifts? From a—WAIT! WHAT? A valentine? Eugene’s head was swirling. “You mean Dr. Varney Valentine, right? The evil maker of evil stuffed unicorns that are stuffed with evil?”

  Charlie shook his head. He pointed across the cafeteria to where a girl all dressed in pink was sitting.

  “MY-ME-ME-MEREDITH MOONEY?!” Eugene could barely spit out the words.

  Meredith waved at Charlie and smiled. She looked at Eugene and stuck out her tongue.

  “Guess she’s kind of got a crush on me,” Charlie said.

  “Meredith Mooney?” Eugene repeated.

  “Yup. She wants me to be her Valentine,” Charlie said.

  “But it’s Meredith! Mooney!” Eugene cried.

  “Nothing wrong with feeling special, Eugene,” Charlie said. “And the best part? Free candy.” Charlie picked up a gummy worm, squirted a small blast of jalapeno cheese on it, and pressed another gummy worm on top. “Mmmmm, gummies and cheese!”

  If there was one thing Charlie loved more than cheese from a can, it was free candy.

  “B-but Charlie! This is My! Me! Mine! Meredith! She’s not just annoying and gross, she’s the archenemy of the Sunnyview Superhero Squad! We’re the Sunnyview Superhero Squad and she’s Little Miss Stinky Pinky.”